I felt stumped on what to write. Of course, thoughts, un asked questions, repeated answers and many of life's blessings and challenges, have been present, but the ability to take one of these and fully develop it into something to share, something that would instigate a contemplation or a meditation was feeling a bit absent. Almost like one of those dreams when you know you must run, you know where to run and you know how to run, yet the ability to move with force, speed and efficiency, seem to be inaccessible. So really this feeling of being unclear, lends itself to complete clarity, the reminder that clarity can be found in not having an answer or a big 'ah ha' moment.
I think the necessary, but sometimes forgotten ability to feel clear in moments when there is no big answer staring you in the face, is that of surrender. In yoga language we label this practice of surrender, ishvarapranidhana, but regardless of what it is called, how it is welcomed in, practiced and experienced are of greater importance. So often, we depend on clear knowing to create a definition that can satisfy our need to know, really all this is doing is bowing to the ego, creating a false sense of knowing, not honoring the value in not knowing, in not defining it. Maybe lack of definition could constitute a definition, if we surrender the need to define and understand from the place of the ego, we can actually learn more, we can increase the vocabulary of ourselves and of life.
Understanding from the space of the ego, if we break it down, which I happen to really like doing, is boring; we know this space and only rely on it to prove ourselves right whether it be for the good or the bad. Because the ego is on a mission of being right, so much can be missed. We take various curcumstances and situations and try to define them by what we already know, this doesn't allow for much newness, nor does it allow us to be fully present. Surrender. Sure there is discomfort in surrender because it feels like we have less control, but actually when intentionally practiced, I think it offers control, a feeling of empowerment. We can experience our ever changing feelings towards ourself, towards others and towards the offerings of life from a place of openness, we can actually experience the feeling rather than have a reaction to it that is illicited from the egos need to define. We can live presently.
This can be practiced in a seated meditation where we welcome in any and all thoughts and feelings we are having. Don't try and stop the thoughts, but hold space for them with out trying to explain or understand them. Really let them be, even the ones that poke at you, don't feel so great or begin to provoke a story, return to your breath and allow the thought to pass or remain. I think we can also practice this idea of surrender off of our meditation seat, which ultimately implies some resistence. We have to resist the urge to know more, resist the need to make this something predictable, we will always know more, but how could we let this knowing be something experienced moment to moment? Let yourself expand!
